Exactly 4h12m each time. I bring timers everywhere I go on account of my neurology.

My favorite use for water is those 3 times I went to a bondage club in Japanese occupied Uruguay in 1983 and they tied my boner up and used a water flosser as a sounding rod on me for 4 hours and 12 minutes.

I think I’m too old to understand this

Cowabunga gozaimasu

My barber named Greg told me he started micro dosing Viagra 3x a day so that he is always risen. I told him that’s probably not good for his heart but he says having a constant boner gives him the self confidence to be a professional beatboxer.

They aren’t like killer zombies though, literally just people with jenkem balls and smegma tits. You wouldn’t be able to tell them apart from other people unless you had sex with them.

If you play the triangle in the Bermuda triangle everyone who’s ever died there comes back to life, but with a catch. All the men have Jenkem filled balls and all the women have smegma filled tits. That’s why no one has ever done it, no one wants hundreds of disgusting abominations risen from the dead.

There’s one exception to this though, a weird Christian cult in the 1970s believe that when Jesus resurrected and escaped from his tomb he actually walked on water all the way to the Bermuda triangle where he died for realsies. The cult members all made a pilgrimage there to play the triangle to resurrect him again but they all died.

Fun fact: Jackie Chan’s parents named him that because his dad ran a porn website similar to 4chan called Jacky Chan in the 1950s before anyone even knew the Internet was possible. Truly a family ahead of the times. It’s a shame he went on to be a successful movie star.

I’m mental for mental health

Ah shit how did I miss that

My aunt’s dentist used to do this every February when he’d send out Valentines to all his clients. He said the acidity from the salsa helped negate the sugar from the Oreos so you could eat them instead of brushing your teeth.

Everyone stopped taking his advice when he started gifting them all didgeridoos full of piss though. It’s a shame but what can you do.

Cucked by an angel season 3 is wild

It’s real, I’ve met all of Obama’s dads and they really do call him the cigarette crab. I don’t think he’s ever been to Japan and I don’t understand why the owner called him Mr President though because he’s never been president.

Bide?! Damn it I’ve just been on a bidet this whole time.

My neighbor’s coworkers cousin once brought me a bowl of soup while I was at the beach with my family on a really windy day. By the time he handed me the bowl of soup it was nothing but a bowl of sand. I ate it anyway out of politeness but I ended up falling asleep after and woke up in ancient Egypt. I’m still stuck here and my family is still at the beach. I’m never eating a bowl of sand again.

When I was 6 years old I met RFK Jr and he told me the RFK stands for Real Fuckin’ Kool and I knew from that moment that anyone who spells cool with a K is a total wanker.

This is a good way to install the new Wormphone™

I don’t know what this is about but I just finished making a batch of shlongrolls for my lunches this week. They’re like egg rolls, you scramble some egg and stuff it into your foreskin and surprise a special woman or man at work with a tasty snack.

The trick is to be easily forgotten, that way no one will remember me until they find my very own shroud of cum long after I’m dead

This reminds me, have your ever thought about how Jesus definitely masturbated or if he didn’t he at least had wet dreams?

The shroud of Turin managed to keep it’s shape because it was Jesus cum rag, it’s basically paper mâche.

Now you might say “but touchmacaque, that’s blasphemy!” But I’d like to counter with the fact that we’ve all made our own cum paper mâche just like our Lord and saviour, in a way were just following Jesus.