A few months ago, I listened to a podcast episode that brought me to my knees.

One of my favorite financial voices – Katie Gatti-Tassin/Money with Katie – had a well-researched episode on money dysmorphia, or a warped perception about your finances. In the episode, Katie explains the roots of money dysmorphia – a riff on the medical diagnosis of body dysmorphia, where you see a different version of your physical appearance – and interviews a range of women who talk through their irrational insecurities about their finances.

And when I listened to each woman talk, I heard myself in them. I listened to the podcast on the run, and at certain points I found myself hunched over and sobbing. To all of you who saw that sweaty blonde girl crying in Myers Park, no you didn’t.

That’s me. I am incredibly insecure about money, and my insecurity has defined my life for as long as I can remember. And in the most twisted irony of all, I’m a market expert who makes a living off teaching people about money and investing. Essentially, how to become – and stay – rich.

There are mountains of research backing this up. A 2017 University of Michigan study found that children start developing spending and savings habits as young as five years old. There’s also a 2021 paper from Eastern Kentucky University researchers that suggests there’s a link between adverse childhood experiences (instances of abuse and neglect) and financial insecurity in adulthood. Money scripts are a popular tool used by financial advisors to help understand the unconscious bias that can push you to make otherwise irrational decisions.

All because of this insidious truth: early financial trauma can profoundly shape your relationship with money.

That’s why personal finance can feel so illogical at times — why some of us may be set on paper but constantly fear losing it all.