I know /how/ to date in itself, but I’m curious how other AuDHDers go about meeting people to date. Ive only been let down and demoralized using mainstream apps, and the advice of “go find a group hangout” feels very antithetical to my entire being. I hate being in large groups where I know no one. I’m pretty jaded by the idea of just waiting for that right person to come along too, when it feels like it has happened, there’s usually a reason we can’t even entertain dating, such as meeting them after they’ve just started a new relationship with someone. I feel ready and would really enjoy finding someone that doesn’t need all the masks and can love me for who I am, but I feel like I don’t know how to go about meeting the right person.

So I’m curious, how do you meet people for the purpose of dating?

  • itsayosh@piefed.socialEnglish
    2·
    5 days ago

    (Gonna stop lurking for a change and try posting something… but I don’t have any easy solution for this either 😅)

    I personally haven’t had any luck, and can empathize with the crappiness of online dating - thanks Match Group for making everything a nightmarish swipefest! (And thanks late-stage capitalism for a lack of third places!)

    If you need a sign of hopefulness - all of my friends are AuDHD and are in stable long-term relationships. Most of them met their people through specific hobbies that had a more “extreme” edge to them (things like BDSM and LARP). The rest were set up by mutual friends. So it’s certainly possible.

    But if you’re like me and feel like things are hopeless… I’ll share advice from therapy I’ve gotten on the matter, in the hopes it might help someone else:

    Basically my therapist suggested that I may never have a romantic relationship in my entire life, and if that happens, what type of life would I live in spite of that? Radical acceptance of that idea and “playing the tape through to the end”, as painful as it has been, has been something I’ve grappled with this past year.

    Real example of said grappling: Do I want to take a solo trip to Japan? Hell no , the idea terrifies me. I don’t want to leave my room most days, and I don’t know the language. But waiting for a partner to show up in my life to share it with isn’t ideal either, because it means continuing to put my life on hold for an outcome I can in no way guarantee. And I would like to visit Japan sooner rather than later.

    In my darkest moments, I often feel immense shame and hopelessness because I haven’t been successful with dating or love, believing that I am somehow uniquely broken. Leaning into that fear/shame has both been really hard and at least gotten me out there doing activities solo these past few months rather than simply wait for “luck” to strike. I suppose getting out there in some way increases the probability I may find someone, but it’s kind of a counterintuitive way to get there.

    (30s F, for reference)