Edit (Feel like i need to put this up top): Some of yall think I’m intent on being a deadbeat and that I was in the “100% never want to have kids” boat and reluctantly obliged. It was a much more careful calculation than that and I decided to do it on my own. That was just for contrxt to explain my hesitancy. We planned this shit to a T from start to finish. I’m not asking for anyone to ridicule me for “fucking up”. I’m asking for advice on the situation I’m in because there is no path backwards and I intend to be a baller dad regardless of how I feel about it. There are a lot of emotions you can easily force but this is not one of them. So all the dipshits telling me what I should have done before having this kid can eat a giant bag of used needles. That being said, thank you to all of the normal fucking people who can actually read a situation and offer helpful insight/advice instead of reverting to a bridge troll. I may not respond to all of the comments because of the volume but I am grateful for the support.
New dad of a 3wk old.
I always figured I’d have a kid(s) because…that’s what you do right? My wife pushed me for years and wanted 5 kids. I always said we should start with 1, so here we are. I never truly wanted to have a kid for a whole list of reasons including climate change, growing instability, feeling like I already don’t have time to do the things I want to do, not feeling like I have my shit together (on paper I do, but I don’t feel like that), not understanding what it means to be “happy”…stuff like that.
During pregnancy, I took on essentially all household chores and made her hot breakfast before she left for work every morning at 5am. I never felt some primal compulsion to do all of this but she was struggling and I wanted to do what I could. I kept saying to myself that the paternal instinct would kick in at some point and banked on that.
When the kid was born and I held him for the first time, I felt nothing. Figured it would happen in time. 3 weeks in, I’m still on overdrive, doing essentially all chores, changing/feeding him through the night, and still feeling nothing besides growing resentment. I’m not a monster so I won’t shake the kid or anything but I just feel no desire to do any of this. I always hated the sound of kids crying and wanted this kid to be different in that respect but I still hate it and my blood starts to boil the longer he cries (again, I’m not going to hurt this kid. I’m not a violent person).
The only pressure I feel to keep going is to not get arrested for neglect, and so my family/friends/colleagues dont think im a giant piece of shit. I feel no compulsion out of love for this child. I’ve had no “my whole world changed and I’d die for this kid” moment other than the fact that people would be real upset with me if I didn’t die for him.
My wife has been struggling and I’m trying to get her to seek additional help (already sees therapist every 2 weeks) but she frequently spirals into a place where she feels like she can’t do it or feels like a failure for not doing enough or direct breast feeding because he wouldn’t stay awake while feeding (she’s pumping like a champ. Our freezer has a gallon of milk already and im constantly playing up her wins). I keep doing what I can to calm her fears and anxieties which aren’t specifically new but now have new context. I feel like if I break down at all, she won’t be able to handle it and I have to constantly keep the mood/morale up because if I don’t, everything will go to even deeper shit. She’s the one who wanted 5 kids and I’m now the one holding it together for us. I feel like the TikTok/Instagram virus tricked her into thinking that motherhood was all beautiful flowers and spending quality time with her perfect baby but it’s a lot of gross shit and hard work from recovery to breast feeding/pumping and diapers (although I’m changing 90% of the diapers). I was not nieve to any of this. I knew what it entailed.
Anyway, I’m starting to wonder if I’ll ever feel any compulsion to keep going like I am aside from legal and societal pressure. I can figure it out if it will never happen, but it would make things a whole lot easier if it did. I really want to love this kid and being a dad but at this point it’s a job and I hate my job even though I’m killing it in the effort game. Literally the only good thing so far is that my mom is over the moon about the kid and it’s the first time I’ve seen her happy since my dad died 2 yrs ago.
Hey!
I saw your post on my mobile yesterday and it struck a chord. I saved the link so I could go home and type on my laptop and give my reply the time it deserves. I know I’m replying quite late, but I hope my perspective helps anyway.
First off, everything you’re feeling is understandable. I don’t know if I’d say it’s “normal”, but I empathize with everything you’ve written. I have a 2-year old daughter, and it’s not been easy. But my most important takeaway from your post is that you’re trying. You’re doing everything you can to support your wife and kid, and that alone puts you in the “good dad” category.
Look, it’s not going to be easy. Your 3-week old is essentially a lump in human form. All he knows to do at the moment is drink, sleep, and poop/pee. He doesn’t recognize you, he doesn’t love you, he doesn’t reciprocate anything you do, and he doesn’t acknowledge you except when you’re feeing him. He can barely even see you (kids that age have eyes that haven’t learnt to focus yet). And that’s how it’s going to be for the foreseeable future. Having a kid this age is mostly a chore (or a job, like you described). Try to think of it as an investment for the future. All the hard work you’re doing now pays off in the future when you have a healthy, happy child who loves you and knows how to show it.
But for now, it’s going to suck. Your wife is probably going to go through post-partum depression, she’s going to have mental crises about being a terrible mother about something or the other. I don’t know if it’s because of hormone imbalance, stress, lack of sleep, and/or a combination of all these. You’re the one who’s going to have to be there for her at those times. Your baby will (hopefully not) develop colic, or there will come a day when he cries for no reason and nothing you do will stop him and you’ll start thinking about taking him to the doctor/ER and in your desperation, you’ll hold him in a new hold and he’ll suddenly quieten down because he loves being held like that. Some days are going to be a rollercoaster of activity, frustration, joy, etc.
And as for love … in the last 2 years, there hasn’t been a single moment that’s hit me like “I NOW LOVE MY KID AND WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR HER.” I mean, I would die/kill for her, but that’s just family.
BUT – there have been moments. Like one time she half-woke from a nap, saw my face, broke into a smile, and went back to sleep. One other time when she was very young and she ran into my arms. One time she absolutely insisted that only dad would help her put her shoes on and not mom. These are small wins that build. The more interactive they get, the more your relationship with them grows, the more in love you’ll be. It’ll take time. I’m not there yet, even with my 2-year-old, but I know I’ll get there. I know I love her, even if I don’t “feel” it yet.
In the meantime, sorry … tough it out.
The only other advice I can give you is to ask for help. If your mom or some other family member can come help you and your wife out, it gets a little easier. Even if it’s only for a weekend or a week at a time. Just having someone else at home who can change a diaper, or even just watch the kid while you take a nap or play a videogame for some time, will help.
All the best, you got this, don’t sell yourself short.
EDITED TO ADD:
Newborns fall asleep very quickly, even in the middle of a feeding session. We used to tickle the bottom of our baby’s feet to keep her awake during feeding times, both at the breast and with the bottle.
Also, try to find someone you can talk to about the stress you’re feeling (if you can’t do it with your wife). Your mom or a best friend, or just internet strangers. Hopefully it’ll help you through the toughest times.
I 100% agree with you, and just wanted to add something I learned recently: when dads are spending a lot of time with the baby, they can also develop post-partum depression. So my advice to OP would be to also try to find support in form of therapy if possible.
Great point!
This is a super common and often unspoken phenomenon for fathers. It took me two years to feel emotionally attached to my first. Those two years sucked. It felt like all work, no reward. I powered through because love is a choice and I love my family. Slowly but surely, it happened. It happens for most of us. Especially as they start taking interests in the things we are interested in. You start seeing yourself in them - their looks and how they behave.
I am 99% sure you’ll end up loving your kids. I have three now. Just power through. You’re FAR from alone. Ask me if you have any questions.
Similar for me… I felt for my son from birth but not this life-changing wave of paternity that is often portrayed in media. Similar to OP, more like this is a little being that depends on me and I owe it to him and my partner to be responsible. Shit is hard, though.
When I really started connecting with him was when he started showing personality around 6 months, then even more so as he started getting language and mental faculties.
We were told in prenatal classes that on average babies cry about 2 hours/day, and that’s true around the world. Different cultures perceive it differently and thus feel like there’s more or less crying. Maybe this knowledge can help you to take a step back and look at the crying situation more objectively. Maybe not. It is the only way your little one knows to communicate the smallest discomfort right now, and everything bad is also literally the worst thing that has ever happened to them.
We had more like 8 hours of crying due to health challenges and bad advice, and that will shred your soul. If you’re consistently way above the 2 hour mark, do say to your support team. PM me if you want and I’ll share some more thoughts because our team was shit and we had to figure it out ourselves.
I’m another father putting my hand up here for going through the same stuff. Life isn’t like the movies most of the times you don’t have an epiphany moment where it all snaps into place and you turn in to some super hero father. You just go day by day getting through all the shit (god so many diapers) and the pain and the stress and one you realise you’ve all survived and you’re a family.
My wife went through the same feelings of inadequacy because she had to pump too. She couldn’t get the little ratbag to latch. One practical thing that I did was talk up how awesome it was for me that she was pumping because it let me take so feeding times. I told her that by letting me be the parent who’s feeding the baby gave the baby time to bond with me.
There’s nothing wrong with not feeling some life changing experience when holding your child. Some people do, some don’t and it is a bit overplayed by people.
Taking care of a baby is hard work and tiring. It can be overwhelming for first time parents and I recommend you talk with your wife about it and look into sharing the workload better so you can both get some time for yourselves, you could also ask your mother or other family members to help watch the kid so you and your wife can get a night out and relax. It will help a lot.
As for the other feelings I would honestly advise you to look into getting some professional help if possible. You can talk to your GP about it and they they can advise you on what to do or recommend you to specialized help.
But yea, hang in there, it gets better and as the kid grows they will be able to take care of themselves more and your workload will get lower. Though I have to warn you that if you build resentment for them they will pick it up at some point and they will be crushed. It shatters my heart to see kid suffer like that.
Yeah. Definitely trying to quell at least the outward if not inward resentment. I don’t hate the kid, I just have no “natural feelings” from what I’m reading, by 3-6 months when they start to resemble a person, it gets better, so I guess I’ll bank on that for now
OP, you’re a good dad and husband. Keep trying and stay strong. I don’t know if I could do what you are doing, and I don’t have any advice to give, but just know I’m rooting for you over here. Nothing stays the same forever - one thing I do hear from people is that you blink and the kid is grown and you wonder where all the time went. I can’t say for sure if that will happen, but this lifestyle change is temporary, at the very least, and you’ll be feeling more normal as time goes on. Maybe once your son is more grown, there will be an opportunity to bond with him on a level you can’t reach while he’s an infant? Anyway, good luck!
From what I read your wife suffers from depression, correct? From what I read between the lines, she already did before she got pregnant, correct?
And considering how experienced you seem with taking over and keeping everything together, that’s probably what you have been doing for years already?
That’s quite a common pattern, and it’s one that can only remain stable for a certain amount of time. She’s depending a lot on you, you pick up the slack and carry her burden. That works well without kids when the only responsibilities are to spend enough time at work, but it becomes very troublesome with a small kid, where the workload is too much even for two fully-functioning adults.
This can drive you in a kind of caregiver burnout. You go beyond your limits for too long, and after some time you just don’t have the power to continue that way and smile through it. Depression spreads and good things diminish. That’s at least what I read between your lines.
This is the point where you need to get help. Find a better distribution of work with your wife. Rope in relatives (your mom seems to be invested) and get them to help you out, especially in these crucial first few months.
Pumping milk means that the baby isn’t necessarily tethered to your wife, so you can also get your mom to watch the kid for an evening or so, so that you two can get some rest.
Considering getting therapy yourself.
Try to recover before you burn out completely.
As for the feelings towards your child, don’t force it, give it time.
Just chiming in real quick, don’t have much time to write, i’m a father of 2.
It gets better my dear stranger. It actualy gets only better and better, it still amazes me.
3 weeks is just really the hardest part. But you have dedication (kudos on the breakfasts in bed) and you are not a violent person (how many times I have wanted to rip their head off lol) so you are already a great parent.
Parenting is just gross shit and hard work, but that’s what we do, so let’s do it really well. We owe it to ourselves. Keep on keeping on
I didn’t feel that bad, but certainly when my kid could talk and understand things got a lot nicer. You could understand specifically what the kid wants and the kid can learn some patience and half more fun in a way that’s vaguely fun for the parents too.
You might want to talk to a mental health professional as well, but I’d not be too worried about not enjoying being around a 3 week old.
Oh also, at least for me, from about 2 years old all the effort was well worth it. Happiest times of my life. Cherish the time before they start asserting independence as a teenager. Still good times for me, but certainly different …
I feel bad about saying this, and this is more for other people, but don’t let other people’s expectations push you into having kids. If your partner wanted five kids and you didn’t even know if you wanted one, you were incompatible and you should have ended things once you discussed this like responsible adults. Instead you brought someone else into the world who may suffer just so you could try it out.
I’m not saying this to say you’re a bad person. Honestly, this wouldn’t happen to a bad person probably. You’re a good person who let expectations push you into a position you didn’t belong.
As others say, you may end up bonding with them later, and that will be great. They won’t be a baby forever, and also you’re really tired and probably grumpy right now. That’s all fair. I hope for your kid that things work out, but for anyone else reading this, if you don’t agree on children with your partner, it’s time to find someone else. That’s a fundamental thing that needs to be the same. It’s like if you want to be monogamous but your partner doesn’t. That’s just not going to work. There are some things that you just need to share or break up. It doesn’t make you bad for doing so. Also, yes, it’ll hurt and suck, but it’s the responsible thing to do.
Maybe the way you feel has about this is because there are countless options for places to leave this advice for other people but you decided to put it in a thread where OP is obviously struggling and already past the point where the advice would apply? Dude is in serious need of some urgent empathy and he gets this this tut-tuting combined with making an example of him for the class or something.
One thing that I feel hasn’t been addressed enough by the comments:
**Stay. The hell. Away. From. Social. Media. **
It is toxic, and will bring nothing but misery, jealousy, and insecurity.
We had ours late in life, so had the hindsight of having our circle of friends going through parenthood before us. You mentioned ‘social’ pressure, norms, expectations, etc. All of them are amplified 10x by social media, which presents an unrealistic, curated view of parenthood. Not to mention the 50 different ‘advice’ on what you ‘should’ do as a parent. (You should breastfeed or your baby will be a serial killer. No, just start with formula, it will make your life easier. No, you should give them organic goat milk to help them grow better).
We deleted all the apps just before the baby was born. It has now been a few years since we touched any of them (except FB Marketplace, because buying anything new is ridiculous. And, I guess, Lemmy). The only pictures you’ll find of our little one is in our family chat group. The only advice we’ll take are from the midwives and nurses that keep track of the baby’s growth, and has a 24h hotline for us to ask literally anything.
People you know, including parents, will give unsolicited advice. Feel free to listen to them, but know that most of the time you can tell them off or ignore them. This is your baby. Your family.
And feel free to ignore this advice from a stranger on Lemmy 🙂
Within the first three weeks, I ended up in the hospital from neglecting myself. The stress was insane. I didn’t sleep more than a few hours.
So I learned two things. First, it does get better. Second, take care of yourself or you can’t take care of the kid.
Also, stop doing chores. If it isn’t necessary to live, it isn’t necessary to do.
Can’t emphasize this enough. After our first, we ended up basically living almost entirely in the bedroom for six months.
If somebody doesn’t want kids, they should never let anyone talk them into it.
I don’t want kids and I always get weird looks from family and friends but I don’t care.
Situation in the world is terrible and on top of that I know that I wouldn’t be a good parent.
Dad to dad, you’ll feel the bond when the kid becomes more interactive and rational. Moms can connect that little blob with no problem. It’s tougher for dads, at first. It all balances out though. What you are feeling is normal. Just stick with it and don’t cheat on your wife.
I don’t know if it’s all dads, but that is exactly my experience. Once I could have a proper relationship through words, I really felt like a proper dad. But that took until she was closer to 4. Like I loved her, but it was definitely slow growth.
3 weeks in, I absolutely wasn’t feeling it, and was worried I’d gotten myself into something I shouldn’t have. Lots of doubts for sure.
I don’t think people talk about it very much because it sounds like “I didn’t love my kid right away.” However, I believe that it is pretty common based on these types of conversations. There is an unrealistic expectation that fathers bond with these little, uninteresting blobs at first sight and I just don’t think that’s how it works.
It’s not so much of a dad-vs-mom thing, tbh.
For me it was super easy to connect to our kids especially when they were tiny. I loved carrying them around all the time, the cuddling, them being as cute as they are. My wife really hated being touched all the time and she couldn’t connect with them at all in the beginning, especially with our second one.
I started having more and more trouble with the kids when they got old enough to have a mind of their own, especially with our first kid who was and is much more than just a handful. My wife gets along much better with the kids once they are able to talk and able to take more care of themselves.
Some people just connect with the small ones better, some can handle them better when they get bigger. Some then start having issues with them in puberty, while some really manage to connect at that time. It’s not a gender thing at all.
Thank you for that perspective, it is comforting to hear.
Not necessarily at 3 weeks, it is so intensely stressful at the start. Crying is designed to make you feel upset, that is what it evolved for, so that you would check on the baby.
I did feel love for the newborns, but they aren’t fun or anything, they are just babies. You were the same at the start of your life.
Can your wife visit a lactation consultant? I remember my kids falling asleep nursing, is that not normal? They nurse, fall asleep, wake up and are happy for awhile, then cry, nurse, and fall asleep, that’s the whole newborn cycle. I don’t think that means they aren’t getting enough, of the baby was that hungry he’d stay awake long enough to eat enough and remember, the milk in the first few moments has the most fat & calories.
Basically - I would not trust your feelings right now, while sleep deprived and stressed. You may enjoy the baby when it is more enjoyable. Like 2-3 years old is blistering cute, and then they are learning so much you can see it happening, and teenagers are fun and keep you aware of pop culture.
I don’t remember my mom being, well, mom-ish, not very nice when we were little, we weren’t neglected at all she was just never close with us. I asked her about it when I was grown and she said “I don’t like kids.” And I was like “WTF, you had so many kids!” And she said “Well, I like you all now, I knew you’d grow up, you don’t have kids to have kids but to raise people.”. And I guess she has a point. It’s nicer to enjoy the ride, I did, but she didn’t and we were ok.
I always figured I’d have a kid(s) because…that’s what you do right?
Oh boy
Taking notes. Thanks for the help
Also, for what it’s worth, having read your othwrs comments, it really does seem like you are going to make a good father. In the end, dedication is far more important than any fleeting emotion. You might connect with them, you might not. That’s a gamble that might never pay off for you. But the fact that are you willing to put in the dedication even without feeling that attachment is admirable, and is a neccassary trait for a father. You are not a bad father, you made an ill thought out choice, not neccassarily even a mistake until you deem it so. So long as your continued choice, regardless of the circumstances, is dedication, the odds increase every day that the child will connect with you regaurdless of whether you connect with them. And thats whats important now. You are their father first and foremost, and you are currently doing a sound job maintaining that. As for your wife, I don’t really have any advice. I’m sure you’ve already heard or thought of any thing I could tell you you shouldve done, or shouldve told her. It sounds like you’ve already exhausted my ideas for things you can do to help her. I hate to sound unempathetic, but I don’t really know what else to say.
Yeah - this isn’t a puppy you decided to get. You made the decision to bring a human into this world and now you’re complaining it is hard and you never wanted it?!
Seriously seek some help, else get out of the picture before you make it worse for the child.
I mean tbh yeah but i dont think you can say that in this sub. The guy already knows he fucked up. Hes at least making an effort to unfuck his up. Better late than never
Honestly, I read it like OP wanted pity points.
I’m typing this as my 15 month old is falling asleep in my arms for the ‘night’ (she’ll wake up in 3 hours for the midnight snack).
OP, get yourself some counseling. If you didn’t feel like you wanted kids, you should have been up front with your wife. That child is now brought into the world and you need to nut up and put your wants and desires on the back burner.
Like others have said better than me, get your village helping you. The first several months are rough, and your wife and child need support, and so do you. Then, when things ease (and they will), maybe you can get out for an afternoon. But don’t whine about how your wife isn’t doing anything.
Y’all both got a lot going on, and yes, should have worked on it before kids, but here y’all are.
- When we had our first kid (12 now), I really struggled with the emotional connection piece for weeks. It’s common. I don’t think I had a strong emotional connection until she was like 2 or something. I had bad anger issues, dealing with my own depression & BS. But, she’s 12 now.
- With our second, the emotions for her came faster. I was in less stress, more established career wise, but my wife struggled more with postpartum. She never struggled with depression and finally found herself going through feelings of inadequacy & feeling like a failure. She got on meds, made a big difference, and it eventually worked out with her getting off of them.
- Our third kid was significantly easier for both of us. We had different struggles, but it wasn’t kid related.
I know where you are mentally. You need to find a healthy outlet for the resentment and then come back to what you have now, someone dependent on you.
You can/could be a deadbeat or absent, but you may be a better parent for a different age. My wife was great with little ones (0-2). I did much better with toddlers and young kids (3-8). We’re both getting used to tweens.
I know it might be a financial strain, but you should both seek therapy. This isn’t a pejorative (as is “You’re so messed up!”), but therapy can help significantly, especially your partner. She may want to consider a psych.
Good luck. For me, the first few weeks were the worst. No sleep, just doing shit on auto-pilot like “why the f*ck did we do this…?” But my kids have brought incredible joy in my life. I wouldn’t want them to disappear now, no matter how much work it is some days.
